My name is Chris, I’m just an ordinary guy with a desire to share my story with you. I’m reluctant to share it not because I don’t want to but because I don’t think its that special, I think its common. And as I think about how common my story is I am compelled to share it because I want others to have a healed heart like I have had and experience lasting peace.
The was probably nothing out of the ordinary for most of my childhood, growing up in Sydney’s inner west during the 90’s meant we weren’t that well off but we didn’t have all the latest. We had enough, old bikes, street cricket and friends were our main outlets. Things started changing for me at around the age of 9, when mum had noticed I really wasn’t that active on our family holidays and decided to get it checked out; a few tests later I was diagnosed with a disease called Ulcerative Colitis. At that time I just remember many Dr’s visits but things kept going more of less as they were. It was 4 years later at the age of 13 I would nearly lose my life to this vicious disease when I had become severely ill some what out of nowhere. All I remember is going to the Dr on a Wednesday and then going to hospital on Friday evening for a major surgery. The disease had done so much damage that I was rushed to an emergency operation as my whole body was shutting down and the only option was removal of damaged tissue. The operation was successful but my parents had to wait a full week before I woke up, my body was in shock and being in a coma was my bodie’s way of dealing with what had happened. I didn’t know how fortunate I was then to be alive I was just a young 13 year old trying to stay alive.
Recovering from trauma at any age isn’t easy, I didn’t know what I was going through I was just trying to get better. The initial recovery after leaving hospital was quick but the cycle of ups and downs from the disease still meant life was never going to be “normal”. I never felt like I fitted in, not that it was a conscious realization then, but I just remember trying to fit in the groups at school, without much success. I was different, medication changed my moods and having to spend much of my lived experience trying to “get better” kind of meant I wouldn’t fit in. All I wanted was to leave school and by the time I had finished year 10 that’s what I did. I didn’t know at the time what I wanted, I just followed whatever would make my painful existence better.
By the time I left school I didn’t really have a plan or a job to go into, I just didn’t want to be at school. I gave a few jobs a go but most weren’t long and most ended in shame for not being able to do the job because I ended up in hospital as a result of how sick I had become. I had a stable enough job working in fast food by the age of 17 which meant I was able to move out of home. Home wasn’t that pleasant really, in fact my dad left a few months after I did after many years of holding it together for the kids (at least that’s what it looked like). I thought things would be better. Being out of home meant I had responsibilities but it meant I could do what I liked when I liked. I never had lasting relationships, I think partly because I was so selfish I was in it for what I could get not what I could give, which resulted in a build up of guilt. During this time my dependance of drugs was probably not unlike many of the day, but for me it was more about relief than anything else. Work was enjoyable and as a manager I had a good prospect, however, the old disease (now diagnosed as Crohn’s Disease after the major operation) crippled me again and sent me to hospital which left me dejected and hopeless.
Having no health, meant no job and no job meant no place to live, so my brother and his wife kindly took me in and and after only being out of home for around 10 months, I wasn’t in a great head space. I wasn’t ready to go home yet, I was still hurting from the loss of so much and I didn’t think going home would have been any better. I’m grateful for the sacrifice my brother and siter in-law made for me, helping someone who is sick, dependent of substances of addiction and depressed wouldn’t have been easy on them, but they did it. It was about a few months after my brother had done all he could that I moved back to mum’s. While my health wasn’t any better (probably worse) than when I had left home I found comfort in our old family dog “sandy” and it was less of a strain to be there without dad around. Again I was heart broken when old “sandy” had become too old the right think to do was the hardest thing for us to go through and put her down from old age. I think the pain at this point from the loss of something special just compounded my hurt. Not only had I no comfort I had no joy, little family and now no companion.
I was in pain and like times past I wanted to escape it, drug dependance, depression and sickness where all I had to look forward to. I remember thinking towards the end of 2003 if only I could get away, maybe the cycle could break. We had grown up going on our yearly 2 week holiday and this year I just wanted to get there. I finally made it away and a family friend offered to explain to me the book of Daniel in the Bible. I really didn’t know what to expect only that I wanted to change my life, but how? We had grown up going to church, Sunday school and hearing about Jesus but it all seemed like a far away story to me, that had little to no significance in my life. It was when someone explained to me the importance that the book of Daniel shows us we can trust the Bible as truth. It was then and there that I believed the Gospel. While I didn’t know what I would do or what my life would become I knew from this point on I had something in my heart for which I was longing for.
All I was looking for lasting peace and hope and I had finally found it. Everything up until this point had been a short term fix. Even though there was relief from pain and suffering before this point it was only temporary. Now I had hope, and I had something that lasted and that would change everything. I was just 19 and Jesus had met my greatest need (and he wants to meet yours too!), I had hope and could now keep going even if I wasn’t any healthier. I didn’t know what to fully expect of life from that point on but I wanted to experience more of that hope that had transformed my heart. Because of this hope I walked away from looking to temporary fixes that didn’t last (drugs and alcohol) and wanted to follow more of the way that brought me so much joy and peace. The years that directly followed my change of heart would be still filled with pain and sickness but I never again experienced the hopelessness I did prior to that point. My health really didn’t improve a whole lot during my 20’s. It was just as up and down, and I was in and out of hospital, like any chronic disease it was still a battle to survive. Nevertheless the period between my 20’s and 30’s were filled with many milestones, getting married, going to uni have children were all so many precious things I never thought I would ever do but because I had hope these things are more were possible.
At the age of writing I am now 40 years old and I can’t believe the things that have changed since that point in my life 20 years ago. The peace that came from trusting Jesus has endured the test of time. My heart had been in a continual process of healing, for which I am so grateful Jesus has met my greatest need not my present. Some might think it strange that I now happy with a chronic disease and ok that I haven’t been healed. My answer is simple, my greatest need wasn’t the disease in my body, it was the disease of sin in my heart and I am grateful that need has been met and is continually met because Jesus does love me. And yet as I conclude I recognize the struggle that so many have in changing their “ways or getting” a “fresh start” and count my story common, because I am like so many who have broken hearts and longing for healing, I humbly submit to you that this same hope I have is offered to you and can change your life too.